Chapter 12 - MY MOTHER FINALLY STOPPED SAYING SHE DIDN’T KNOW
Mom’s first letters were terrible.
I’m sorry everything got out of control.
Raymond scared all of us.
I never wanted anyone hurt.
I returned them unopened after Daniel summarized them.
Months later came another.
I knew enough.
That one I read.
Mom wrote:
I knew he did not want you leaving.
I knew he was pressuring you to sign.
I knew Carol was bringing food downstairs.
I did not know exactly how you were sleeping or how often he locked the door because I made sure not to know.
I kept accepting the version that required the least from me.
That was the truth.
We met through a therapist.
She looked older.
“Can I see Martin?”
“No.”
She closed her eyes.
“Okay.”
No argument.
That mattered.
“I thought the money would fix everything.”
“The three hundred thousand.”
“Yes.”
“Would you have taken it?”
Long pause.
“Yes.”
At least honesty.
“I told myself you had millions.”
“I didn’t.”
“I know.”
“You decided I could lose something because you thought I still had enough.”
“Yes.”
I remembered my own sentence from months earlier.
You all keep deciding what I can afford to lose.
Mom cried.
“I don’t expect forgiveness.”
“Good.”
That startled her.
“I’m not trying to punish you.”
“I know.”
“I’m trying to stop giving people access just because they’re sorry.”
We ended after forty minutes.
I did not call her Mom for the rest of the session.
Not deliberately.
It simply did not come.
That frightened me.
And clarified things.
May you like
Family roles survive behavior only if everyone agrees to keep performing them.
I was done performing automatically.
